What keeps us from -
speaking directly,
taking responsibility for our choices, actions, and
words,
confronting difficult situations?
In a word, anxiety. We’re afraid of the pain - getting hurt, hurting; being
blamed, blaming; feeling shamed, shaming; losing, causing loss. It’s about protection.
Yet when we are unable to be direct,
it can foster severe difficulties, particularly if there are “triangles” involved.
In your family, relationships, workplace,
neighborhood - are you experiencing any of the following?
Secrets or omissions
Disempowerment or over-empowerment
Distortion of information
No mechanism for check, balance, or correction of information
Increased avoidance, embarrassment, procrastination,
anxiety, or hostility
Confused loyalties
Scapegoating/blaming
If so, you may be participating in “a triangle”.
We
learned how to participate in the drama of triangulation in childhood. With various scenes, scripts, and rehearsals, we learned
our parts, oh, so very well. These dramas were produced and directed primarily by our parents and other authority figures. And we often continue to play them out again and again in our relationships - mostly unaware of what is happening. Strangely,
sometimes we play different roles, depending on th
It is important in any negative, reactive situation that we
quickly identify where we are standing in the triangle.
HERE’S YOUR SCRIPT,
ENTER STAGE RIGHT, AND PLAY YOUR PART!
PERSECUTOR: (strong hostility needed, especially effective
if played passive-aggressively) One seeking to be powerful who harasses or oppresses another with ill treatment. It can be an
insecure boss, an immature parent, a wounded lover, a hostile neighbor, or a competitive classmate.
I’ll make you sorry you did that.
You asked for it.
Do as I say, not as I do.
I’ll get even, you SOB!
I didn’t want you in the first place.
RESCUER: (most
impressive on a white horse) One seeking to “make it all better” by rescuing something or someone
(often from maturing
or taking responsibility). This part may be played by a guilt-ridden or “helicopter parent”, an enabling partner, a well-intentioned
in-law, a protective secretary, a big brother or big brother institution.
When I jump in and protect or save you, you’ll depend on me, appreciate me, won't leave me
You’re not able - so I’ll take care of it.
Your problems/responsibilities help me forget
my problems/responsibilities.
He‘s bad, I’m better.
She’s bad, I’m the only one.
VICTIM: (most complex role - must have
sad eyes, carefully masking anger or aggression) One resisting taking responsibility for his/her actions or situational outcome
for fear of blame, embarrassment, or rejection. Part may be played by an ill-prepared leader, dependent spouse, ex-business
partner, disgruntled employee, pampered child, or delinquent taxpayer.
The three roles work together to sustain the drama. But if you’re weary of the drama -
Step back, disengage
Request time-out, if needed
Take full responsibility for your participation - identify yourown growth point(s)
Request, invite, construct an opportunity for dialogue among all three parties, refraining from blaming and
shaming
Look at where the process and the boundaries are breaking down, and work together to construct an environment that supports
all three parties - encouraging respect, resolution, and responsibility.
“The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor
as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant
toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when
we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.”
Eric Hoffer
If you, your family, business, or organization need further assistance in disengaging from “triangulation”, you may contact Susie for a consultation at 303.745.1816.