Our lives are freighted with frustrations.  One at a time we might manage, but when they accumulate, it becomes overwhelming. Nerves fray.  Patience oozes away.  Energy drains. Tempers flare.  We want to scream, cry, or smack something (or someone).

 

I Don’t Recognize Myself

 

Sometimes we are aghast  at our mean, vicious,  and aggressive thoughts.  We want revenge - ravenously wanting to retaliate, to get even. At first it feels good - a pulsating power surge.  Makes us feel strong, important, superior.  But upon closer examination we discover we‘re foaming at the mouth. It feels so primitive, so immature, for adults in a civilized world.

 

We are even more appalled (or should be) when we take it out on the innocent  - the waitress-in-training, the weary retail clerk, the elderly driver, our child

struggling to finish the homework assignment, the new puppy who piddles in excitement when we arrive home.

 

When we return to some semblance of sanity, we feel ashamed; out of control.  We try to numb it out; dull the pain.  Alcohol, TV, surf the net . . . Exhausted, we collapse in bed.

 

We wake up to ourselves the next morning and the beat goes on.

 

So what is really happening?  How do we manage these urges, thoughts, and impulses? How do we re-gain control?

 

Regaining Control

 

It’s begins inside.  Stop. Take a breath.  Step back to gain distance from the anger.  Observe. Take time out/off if you need it.  Be patient with yourself.  Stay alert.  Be willing to find out what is REALLY going on for you.

 

Emotional Disguise

 

Anger is  a secondary, protective, separating feeling which ALWAYS overlays our essential feeling(s).  It is a protective response when we are feeling endangered.  Standing guard, removing us from that which we find distasteful or painful, anger is fronting for at least one other emotion.

 

Here’s the Key

 

To get to the pulse of that primal response, investigate what emotion(s) your anger is protecting.  Is it frustration (being blocked), helplessness, shame, hopelessness, guilt, fear, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, pain? These emotions tell you the truth about what you need.

 

When the root emotion (I.e. helplessness, shame, fear, pain, etc.) is recognized, attended to, and used constructively, the anger dissolves away.  It has served its purpose.

 

Using Your Words

 

Children are now being encouraged in our school systems to “Use your words.”  Meaning -  identify and express the anger with words, not fists (or knives or guns).  It’s good advice for adults, as well.  Your words are not for blame. Your words are for expressing, validating, and  clarifying your pain behind the anger; for bringing release and relief to you.

 

Release and relief come not when we prove that we are right, but rather when we know that we are understood.  Pause to consider the difference. 

 

Old Agendas

 

Sometimes the same alarms keep going off.  We keep repeating the same patterns, only to heap more burning coals of self-condemnation on our already wounded heart and scathed mind.

 

The abuse we inflict on others mirrors our own self abuse. It blurs and becomes a toxic cycle - spiraling downward - pulling those around us into the vortex of our own suffering.

 

This may mean we haven’t yet gotten to the core of the issue, the root of the cause, or the heart of the matter, so to speak.

 

How we see ourselves and the world around us was shaped in our history.  How we manage our emotions - anger and pain - was learned early on.  Even the best- intentioned parents had their own struggles; their own crucibles in life.  Sometimes they didn’t always know how to navigate their emotions. They taught from their own experience; we learned by practicing what they modeled.

 

Biochemical Components

 

Don’t be fooled or foolish.  Alcohol, sugar, caffeine, nicotine, toxins, allergens, lack of sleep and exercise, insufficient play and relaxation, and excessive stress dramatically affect our nervous and hormonal systems.  When we are physically depleted, it is far more difficult to access/maintain control of our emotions.  Physical care is foundational to emotional care.

 

Access Compassion

 

If

we held a magnifying glass over anyone’s life, we would see suffering.  None of us are exempt.

 

Develop compassion for yourself and others, Listen to your inner longings, and listen carefully to others. Remember we are all struggling to find our way.

 

Opportunity in the Obstacle

 

You now have the opportunity to navigate in a different way - to learn how to effectively manage

your own anger and pain, to negotiate frustrating issues more effectively in your daily life, and to pass on a different legacy to your children.

 

Seek the support you need.  Be patient with yourself.  Allow the truth of your experience to guide you to the freedom and relief you deserve.  Don’t give up.

 

Acknowledge the anger as your own.

Step back and observe.

Take time out, if needed.

 Identify/feel the underlying emotion(s).

 Express with words -  your anger and your emotion(s) behind the anger.

Identify repetitive patterns - find the root.

Check health issues that might be affecting your emotional state.

 Be kind to yourself, find what you need, be compassionate to others.

 Develop new ways of understanding, expressing, managing and releasing your anger and your fear/pain behind your anger.

 Remember you deserve a better quality of life.